Alyssa Adam on FEAR in Motherhood | The Mother Letter Issue One

Being a mother is the most beautiful, incredible, rewarding, intense, challenging experience that we could be blessed with in life. And if you really care about doing your absolute best with your kids, breaking cycles and healing yourself as you parent, it comes with an incredible amount of effort and responsibility.

When we step back and look at the big picture of what it means to be a mother, it’s overwhelming and huge, even scary.

Mothers not only have to physically care for these little humans and keep them safe, but we also play a huge part in deciding what goes into their bodies, their medical needs, the financial burdens of trying to give them the best life, trying to provide a good physical environment in a world full of chaos and stress; the list goes on.

Then you have the mental, emotional and developmental responsibilities. The gravity of the fact that every single interaction we have with our kids is adding to their foundation, their sense of worth and safety. Every interaction is teaching them how to play, love and trust. But also how to respond to and survive in this world.

We are their first experience, their first teachers and the ones who need to make them feel safe, always. They are watching us, internalizing how we respond to the world around us and to them.

That is what weighs heaviest on me, raising my 3 year old now. Actually, it terrifies me. Especially since those first couple of years were so incredibly hard.

If you are a cycle breaker or are ready for serious change, this is for you.
Motherhood hasn’t been a fairytale love story for me at all.
I am not even close to the same person I was when I had my son.
I am proud of that.

My pregnancy was bitter, emotional and painful. My partner and I barely made it through that and the newborn stage. Something that still hurts when I think about it.

Breastfeeding was an actual nightmare starting with a missed tongue tie, and no lactation consultant (they called in both days I was in the hospital) to tell me why it hurt SO BAD to latch him. I tried to feed him with a severe tongue tie for 5 days until his pediatrician was shocked to see how bad it was at his first appointment. My chest was destroyed by then because I was trying so hard to feed him anyway through the pain. This quickly turned into mastitis that turned into finding a lump, that turned into ultrasounds, 2 (giant) needle aspirations deep into my breast and a biopsy, then regular mammograms starting at 27 years old to make sure the tumor they found doesn’t turn malignant.

I wanted to breastfeed my son so badly. I took the class, watched countless videos, read the books, was SO prepared.
But I couldn’t feed my baby.

It was devastating.

My little guy had many health issues that first year and screamed pretty much constantly when he was awake for the first 3 months. I was a stay at home mom until he was 2 and was alone in this pretty much all the time with how much my partner works.

I spent the first year and a half of my son’s life overstimulated, touched out and stressed constantly. I battled postpartum depression, demons from my past, loneliness and isolation, extreme anxiety, weight gain and undiagnosed PMDD.

I needed serious help and it needed to come from within. I had to sit with myself and make the choice to change.

I began becoming the mother I wanted to be when I faced my fear, my rage and my trauma head on, being honest with myself about my old wounds, stress and general day to day responsibilities getting the best of me.

I was able to dig deep and continue to work hard on healing myself, processing things and releasing what no longer serves me, some things that aren’t even mine, passed down from my own parents, their parents and so on.

With some really great audiobooks, documentaries and information on the brain, therapy, reducing scrolling and learning that self care is okay, I am teaching myself how to regulate. I have actually been off my depression and anxiety medication for over a year and am managing completely on my own.

Side note: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with medication, it saved my life when I was postpartum. It was a personal choice to navigate my brain without it since I had been taking it on and off since I was 11 years old. It takes a lot of effort and I worked with a professional to do it safely.

Becoming hyper aware of my thoughts, feelings, moods and the “why” behind my extreme reactions to things was a game changer for me.

Once I started focusing on what I needed to regulate myself: self care, moments alone, mental health work, therapy, time in nature, journaling, eating healthy foods, some daily movement; it was much easier to be a good mom, a present and patient mom.

The classic excuse to neglect ourselves is: “But, I have no time to do those things with kids!”
I didn’t either. First being a stay at home mom, then full force with 2 jobs, no childcare or help beyond limited daycare hours and a partner that works a majority of the time.

I knew if something didn’t change, I was headed in a dark direction.
I made time.

We have to address the issues in our inner worlds that are making it difficult for us to interact with our children in those harder moments, when the screaming tantrum has us wanting to hit the floor too.

They need our help in those moments. They need help understanding their feelings, naming them, expressing them. They need us to be healthy enough to do that no matter what adult problems we are dealing with.

Something I had to learn was taking time for myself is okay, essential actually. Talking to a therapist isn’t weak, it’s the strength to take control of the mind.

There are so many incredible books out there that paint an amazing picture of the brain and how it functions. That first year I did a deep dive on my mentality I listened to so many books. In the car, at the gym, while cleaning, cooking, whenever I could. I love listening to books, it’s an amazing tool.

One unexpected, completely normalized thing that was huge for me was my scrolling addiction. My phone was actually rotting my brain. The more I scrolled, the more irritable, short and overstimulated I was. Every single time. It took me a long time to pinpoint the amount of damage this was doing. Once I did, I was pretty angry with myself.

It was and still is hard for me to admit that I grabbed for my phone way more often than I should’ve just to “take a break.”
Looking at my phone instead of what my son was trying to show me or if he was trying to play with me and I was just “too tired” are moments I will never get back.

Absolutely nothing on that screen is more important than the little ones in front of us.
Not to mention creating a dopamine-driven addiction that will severely limit brain function over time.
Touchy subject with some but it’s a real problem in this day and age and it will cause lasting damage.

Today, I am happy and becoming more peaceful within myself every day. My life is still overwhelming and stressful, but I am learning how to weather the storm in a healthier way. I am learning how to not let my own hurts leak out when handling my son’s big emotions.

I am learning how to make him feel safe, even with incredible weight falling on my shoulders.
I am learning how to teach him instead of punish.
I am learning how to make my mind a healthy place to live.
I am learning all of this for my son and for myself.

I’m hoping by modeling regulation, always doing my best and keeping my own feelings in check under stress, he doesn’t have to try to learn how to do this as an adult one day.

My relationships with my partner, my son, even my own parents are so much healthier already and I will continue to learn and grow every day.

I am so grateful to be a mother.

Changing my story one intentional moment at a time,
Alyssa Adam, North Dakota